Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in gatsbys_regret's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, February 22nd, 2009
12:37 am	*sigh* I just don't know what things mean, sometimes. I'm so lost. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 25th, 2008
9:29 pm	Dude. I need to learn a martial art, or something. Maybe then I wouldn't act out my aggressive urges toward people I care about. That is all. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, November 27th, 2008
8:37 pm	Random thoughts, in no particular order. I miss D.C. I miss Chicago. I miss Paulina. I miss Jessica. (Eh, not really-- I miss the way Jessica used to behave toward me. I don't miss the way she currently behaves toward me.) I'm very unsure about the next step in my fitness journey. I've maintained my goal weight for over two years now, and not missed a single day of working out for coming up on three years. But I seem to have plateaued in some important ways...I'm not losing any more weight, which is probably appropriate, but Im also not getting leaner, which I'd like. I think I probably overtrain with my cardio-- still doing close to an hour of biking or running every single day-- and I probably undertrain with my strength training-- doing sixty pushups and a short core routine every night. It's probably appropriate at this point to scale back my cardio a bit and pay a lot more attention to building muscle, but I'm deathly afraid that to alter my cardio routine is to invite storing fat. Every friggin' book I have on the subject says something different...so I just don't know. I want more social contact, more friends, but I also want to keep the friends and lovers I do have at arm's length. It's an interesting paradox. I'm alone for Thanksgiving, after being invited to two Thanksgiving dinners...both of which I declined, because they seemed, well, just too much effort. I wanted to spend the day alone. Yet, I'm crazy lonely. Go figure that one out, kids. And I can't friggin' believe the only places I found open were CVS and Rite-Aid. Hm. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, November 14th, 2008
8:32 pm	All riiiiiiight. Yet another formerly close friend explicitly cuts me out of her life. I'm getting good at this! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
5:55 pm	What the blue hell am I doing crying at an episode of "The West Wing?" Freak. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, November 8th, 2008
6:21 pm	*listlessly staring at computer screen* I'm bored. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 5th, 2008
12:46 am	Ugh. I have a feeling I'm gong to have to take an Internet hiatus...maybe even a full-on media hiatus...for a few months, while the country gets the hero-worship out of its system. I can't believe this is affecting me so much. I don't even know why I care, really-- I know that Americans love to buy cool, flashy shit. This country has disorders of attention span and emotional regulation on a grand scale...and we're always, always, always looking for something outside of us to make it all better (or to blame when we feel shitty). I shouldn't be surprised, and I'm not, I suppose. But I am very, very depressed. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 4th, 2008
11:10 pm	Really, America? Really? *shrug...sigh* All righty then... (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 30th, 2008
11:44 pm	Heh...I just got my Pennsylvania Voter ID card in the mail, with "LIBERTARIAN" stamped prominently on it...odd, to see that. It's the first time in years I've been anything other than a registered Republican. The times, they are a-changin'. Also on my mind: I have a hell of a time packing for a two-day trip. I always have. I always wanna bring too much stuff. Oh, and the most irrational impulse of all? I always wanna bring several books I've been meaning to read...as if I'm going to have time, on my short trips, to even make a dent in 'em. I wonder what that impulse is all about...maybe the notion that, if I'm away from home, I'll actually buckle down and get through some of the material (books, tapes, whatever) I've been putting off? *shrug* I wanna read as much as 'lina does...I really admire that about her. I mean, I read about one book a month, and chunks of lots of other books (I read an awful, awful lot, but I'm terrible about starting at the beginning and reading through to the end of a book...which, oddly, I understand is a trait characteristic of chronic procrastinators. What's up with that, I wonder?), but I wish I had the gumption to attack my "to read" pile as regularly as she does. I can't count the number of times she's told me she's started a book, then, a few days later, told me she's finished it...and I'm like, "Um, yeah...you know that book I mentioned last month? I'm still, technically speaking, 'reading' it..." *chuckle...shaking head* Ah well. Chicago tomorrow afternoon, back to beautiful, historic Pennsylvania on Monday, in plenty of time to contribute to McCain's underdog upset in the state. *rolling eyes* (2 Comments |Comment on this)
9:55 pm	lol...'lina, I just got your package...I have no idea what these are, but I friggin' LOVE 'em!! Thank you. :) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 29th, 2008
12:22 am	Say it with me, kids: "There are no failures, only results." *sigh* Bah. This is like one of those days when the Universe seems consciously out to thwart you. "Oh, you need this? Here, have that instead." Meh. This is why God invented sleep. (Comment on this)
Monday, October 27th, 2008
10:32 pm	Fighting Over Nothing Being aware of the circumstances that trigger an argument can help couples understand why they bicker. By: Nando Pelusi Ph.D. My wife and I generally get along, but we sometimes get into fights over nothing. How can we prevent the fighting? It's not like we have major issues we disagree on. If you find yourself sinking into a bickering habit with your wife, identify the triggers that precede these episodes. There are several common patterns in couples' arguments, and most are just habits or unconscious behaviors. Any number of things can precipitate an unwanted argument: a linguistic habit, resentment, or an emotional state such as boredom. Phrasing can create misunderstandings, such as using the words, "you," instead of "I would like." For example, the words "You didn't take out the garbage," convey an indictment. But the words "I'd love the garbage taken out, please," convey a desire. The way we talk sometimes tricks us into believing that communication is a game of ping-pong with words—I talk, you talk, and we each wait our turn. What often happens: You say something, and perhaps she reads it as criticism. Then, her response seems unusually harsh. So what do you do? You respond to her harshness and off you go! You're "arguing." And the original thoughts are buried and perhaps never addressed. Be aware that anyone can misunderstand you or assume that you're criticizing—even someone you live with. I call this, "bypassing." When you bypass, you may be assuming criticism even when none is intended. Sometimes you get impatient with your spouse, and build in an implicit expectation that she understand you immediately. Thus, you risk a misunderstanding of what is said, and then, a response that causes further misunderstanding. Another common source of friction is misreading the "tonal environment." That is: The words and behaviors "called for" in a certain situation. For you, an evening out for dinner might entail stuffing your face. But it might be a romantic opportunity for her. These are different environments for you both. Be aware of what circumstances trigger your arguments—this may help you understand why you bicker. A romantic opportunity can be dashed, as can playtime. Understand the tonal environment, and try to align each person's perceptions, so that you are really together and experiencing the circumstance in a mutually satisfying manner. You can discuss the tonal environment, and be flexible about where you are, and what you both expect. When you find the appropriate behavior, you're less likely to build resentment and the hurt that comes with dashed expectations. Be sensitive to the tonal environment, watch out for bypassing, and keep a record of expectations during an argument. You may even find your way back to more mutual understanding. Psychology Today Online, 06 Oct 2008 Last Reviewed 21 Oct 2008 Article ID: 4691 (Comment on this)
2:02 pm	...or, maybe I should just start throwing sh*t out, and start from scratch...the old, if I haven't used it in a year or more, get rid of it thing? I'd end up getting rid of a lot of stuff that's perfectly good, and I'd surely blow some money replacing things as I needed them in the future...but maybe that price is worth it, just to get the clutter out of my apartment? Hm. Thoughts? (Comment on this)
1:50 pm	Organizing I'm trying to organize my kitchen. Well, my whole apartment, and my whole life, really, but just now it's the kitchen I attempted to sorta clean and organize. 'lina, even if you did come, I can't imagine what could possibly be done with this place to make it more presentable. I have no idea what I'm doing. I mean, all my kitchen stuff is the hodgepodge of utensils, food, and appliances, and I can't for the life of me figure out any sane way to organize it or put it away. I have, like, one kitchen cabinet, with, I think, three shelves. Those, I kinda filled up with plates and glasses and things, and some food (instant oatmeal, salt and pepper shakers, nothing heavy). I have this pantry-type thing, but it's up so high that nobody can get to any shelf other than the lowest shelf without aid of a stepladder (which I don't have). So I put my meager canned goods up there, as well as some pans and stuff. I put this plastic chest of drawers thingie, about the height of the countertop, in between the stove and the sink, and I've been filling that up with cutlery, various utensils, pans, and other miscellany, with no real rhyme or reason. I hate how that all looks...everything scattered, willy nilly. I have this fold-out kitchen table that fits against the wall, and I also have a microwave-stand kinda thing with an extra shelf that I put in the corner. Everything looks so f'n random. There's no rhyme or reason to any of this. When, in my unpacking, I come across kitchen stuff, I just kinda shrug and put it somewhere random in the mess that is my kitchen...I can't, for the life of me, think of any system to keep this stuff neat and organized. Right now, my current non-refrigerated food is basically all on my kitchen table-- a couple bananas, four or five boxes of cereal (I eat a lot of cereal), a few cans of nuts (I...eat a lot of nuts), some health nut bread, some health nut tortillas, peanut butter. That about sums it up. I have no idea where to store this food...should I clear out a shelf in the cabinet for it? And if so, how should I store it-- bread products together? Non-bread products together? And if I clear out a shelf in the cabinet, where should the dishes go? I have somewhat the same problem in my bathroom. I have all this random bathroom crap, and no real sense of where any of it should go. Most of it falls into the category of "I don't need it right now, but I can forsee needing it someday, and if that day comes, I'll feel stupid going out and getting another/more of this, so I should probably keep it." So I've got drawers and drawers of just...random crap. Allergy pills and analgesics and cough drops and cold medicine and skin cream and... ...it's not so much that I think I have unnecessary stuff (well, I probably do in the kitchen, considering how much cooking I don't do), but I just have no idea how to organize it in any way that has rhyme or reason to it. And my faltering attempts and cleaning and organizing leave me feeling stupid an wasteful, so I avoid the task...which leads to weeks and weeks going by of not having unpacked or organized. Anybody else have problems with this whole organization thing? (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, October 26th, 2008
2:24 pm	Meh...my hair's in that weird stage where I think I might need a haircut, but I'm not sure. I'm losing my hair. Rapidly. Instead of denying that fact, I choose to go the opposite route with my hairstyle-- I keep it pretty close cropped. Even still, it never really grows out to any appreciable length anymore. The only way I know I need a haircut is when it starts to kinda curl up over my ears. It's kinda at that point now, and I do know that I won't have time to get a haircut this week; in addition, I'm going to a wedding next weekend, and I suppose I do kinda want to look good for it. However, looking at myelf in the mirror, I feel stupid getting a haircut when my hair is perpetually this short. Eh, suppose I'll get one anyway, to get the back of my neck shaved and my eyebrows trimmed, if nothing else. Wish I could do this myself, but the last time I tried to cut my own hair...oh, dear. Did that not work well. 'lina, do you cut people's hair other than your own? (14 Comments |Comment on this)
9:37 am	Screw it, I'll vote for McCain. I'm told my state matters in the grand scheme, and I don't want to be part of the problem (i.e., an Obama victory)...at least I'll be able to get one of the bumper stickers that'll surely be printed next year that express some variant of "I didn't vote for him..." This marks the second time I've voted not so much for one candidate, but emphatically against the other. The first time around was in 2000. I was never really hot on Bush-- I even sent an email around to my conservative/Libertarian friends in '99 or so imploring them not to support Bush in the primaries, basically because I didn't see any evidence that Bush was really all that conservative in the economic/size-and-scope-of-government sense. He struck me as one of these "conservatives" who is perfectly okay with lots of government interventionism, just in different areas than the liberals like to see it (so-called "conservatives" these days seem to dig government intrusion into social issues, whereas modern liberals prefer to see government sticking its nose into economic domains). As lukewarm as I was about Bush as a candidate, though, I emphatically knew that I would go f'ing insane if I had to listen to Al Gore's condescension for the next four years. Dear Lord, I hated Gore. Everything about that man rubbed me the wrong way. It wasn't that he's a smart dude-- I like smart dudes, and usually hang out with dudes who are much, much smarter than me. It wasn't that he and I have profound disagreements about the appropriate role of government in the everyday life and big picture of the country, though we do. It's more that I just...like, hated him. Hated his voice, hated his attitude, hated his presence. I hate it when I hear pompous dumbasses declare that if so-and-so wins the presidential election, they're moving to Canada or England or wherever, but, faced with the prospect of President Gore, I suddenly understood that impulse. I didn't want to live in a country represented by that man as president. There were, and are, other Democrats that I suppose I wouldn't mind seeing as president, though their policy positions strike me as, shall we say, not terribly reality-based. John Kerry and Hillary Clinton spring to mind. I don't agree with much of anything these candidates ever had to say, and can't imagine the circumstances under which I'd enthusiastically vote for them. But I can dig either of them as president, if I had to. By the end of the 2004 election cycle, I was getting pretty sick of Kerry's inability to tell anything resembling the truth, but I understand that political campaigns have a way of turning otherwise decent people into, you know, giant douches. I can forgive that. McCain and Obama, however, present me with some tough options. I've never liked John McCain. He's just not very conservative on the issues that matter to me. Remember when his whole shtick was campaign finance reform? Bah. I see no reason why campaigns shouldn't be subject to the same market forces the economy is-- whoever raises the most money gets to spend the most money in order to influence consumers to buy their product. Yeah, sucks for the underdog, but that's life. Government has no real justification to jump in and ensure that things are "fair" via laws limiting what kinds of campaigning can be done and financed how. But McCain was in love with this idea, which tells me all I need to know about the man's basic philosophy-- he has no problem with, when there is an alleged injustice out there, calling on government to rush in and redress said injustice, whether it makes moral sense or not (c'mon...government making sure that candidates get treated "fairly" in elections? This isn't desegregation, people). Then, during the 2000 Republican primaries, McCain got into a pissing match with Bush over the latter's "negative campaigning." Does anyone else remember the debate, I think it was in South Carolina, where he and Bush were seated at a table together, and McCain angrily brandished a copy of a negative flyer that Bush supporters had been circulating? That year, being against "negative campaigning" was the hip, in thing, and both candidates, actually, were reduced to absolute pussies in accusing each other of "dirty politics." For Chrissakes, I found myself thinking, if McCain gets this pissy about George Bush taking some personal shots at him in a presidential campaign-- where the stakes are legitimately high-- how on earth is he going to handle the tyrants and madmen out there in the world, let alone get his stuff passed through an oppositional Congress? The whole thing was just so gradeschool, but McCain specifically seemed really, really petulant, like a kid who'd gotten kicked in the sins by a bully and was now pouting about it. Don't get me wrong, I get what he was trying to do-- he was trying to get people to associate Bush with the "same old sleazy Washington politics," and further his reputation as a reformer who'd shake the country out of business-as-usual, but I just can't ignore the larger message of McCain's behavior-- i.e., when the going gets tough, instead of grinning and hitting back harder, the dude whines. I mean, I could go on about why I don't like and don't really want to vote for McCain, but, honestly, the rest of it comes down to a personal issue. McCain, a couple years ago, took the liberty of publicly bashing one of my favorite sports (in fact, my favorite "legitimate" sport, compared to my actual favorite pseudo-sport, pro wrestling), mixed martial arts. He characterized it as "human cockfighting" (anyone remember this?), and called for increased regulation of it. This just floors me. Anyone who follows MMA knows that it's the farthest thing from "cockfighting" or any sort-- in fact, there are many, many rules and regulations about what competitors can and can't do in the ring, and there is literally not another sport that takes the safety of its competitors more seriously. My issue here is not, actually, whether John McCain likes or dislikes MMA-- I couldn't really care less about that. What does concern me is that his remarks demonstrate a basic lack of understanding of the sport-- which, in turn, tells me that he doesn't research is positions before opening his mouth. To the contrary, I imagine he was, at that moment, attempting to carry favor with the social conservative types who just hate MMA and pro wrestling due to them not being very "family friendly" forms of entertainment (and GOD FORBID there be any other priorities in American culture than intact nuclear families, with kids, lots and lots of kids, because kids are just the best thing EVAR!!!!11!!1!elevetnyone!). And yeah, that concerns me in selecting a president, I gotta say. So, yeah. Not so hot on voting for McCain. But then you enter the fact that he's running against Barack Obama. That strident, arrogant, condescending, Marxist (nope, not an exaggeration...and, by the by, it's not that I believe Marxists should not be allowed to be president; it's just that I think they shouldn't be president) dude whom everybody's in sticky, gooey loooooooove with. You know, the dude whom you can't criticize without being racist. The dude who is on the cover of Men's Health this month, despite being a smoker. (Yup, sounds stupid, I know, but as a health freak, this is really offensive to me...I let my subscription to MH run out a couple months ago, but if I still had one I might've canceled it over this.) The dude who truly, truly believes that your money is the government's money, and it's just a matter of how much the government "lets" you keep (seriously, any candidate who doesn't see a moral problem with raising taxes, I just can't get on board with). The dude who's winning basically because he's much, much cooler and better looking than McCain. Yeah, that dude. I can't stand that dude. Meh. Wonder what'll happen next election cycle. (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, October 25th, 2008
8:43 pm	All righty. Let's see...I've resolved I'm not going to have any more to eat until after ten at the earliest (I had a footlong veggie sub at, eh, five-ish, which is more than I usually eat at one time, so I figured instead of waiting my usual three-hour window before eating again, I'd skip my evening snack and then have some of the Indian leftovers later in the evening...yeah, my eating's insane, but I'm maintaining my goal weight, so insanity, thy name is GATSBY!!!!), so I've got some time to kill. Let's see what random thoughts I can scribble down to pass it. I kinda wanted to go see 'lina this weekend, but that, erm, doesn't seem like it's panning out just now, so I'm left with the following options: A. Continue unpacking. For the love of Christ, I have no idea why this is taking me so long, other than the facts that 1) I just don't wanna do it, due to the hassle and the heavy boxes and the loathsome organizing tasks involved, 2) nobody cares if I unpack, in that the mess apparently doesn't bother me enough to do anything about it and I never have company, due to the fact that I am a fuckin' recluse. B. surf the 'Net, which will probably bore a hole in my brain. C. Go to a bookstore and read awhile, though that might also bore a hole in my brain, in that I'd have to go and look at people who are, you know, there with someone. You know how much friggin' time I spend alone? I mean, at work, I'm perfectly sociable, nay, even outgoing. I'm well-liked, and, I dare say, well-respected by my fellow therapists. But after work? Shee-it. It's me and my cat. And, you know, I don't normally find this all that objectionable. Normally, I'm kind of isolative by nature. But lately? It's a real pain in the ass. Well, a pain in the head, really. But a pain nonetheless. I really should have gotten a roommate, or something. Or, maybe I should stop being a shmuck and only replying to people's emails when I feel like it. OR, I could, you know, go out and make some friends...I mean, you can use Craigslist for things other than casual sex, right? OR...eh. I dunno. Dude. My place really is a wreck. My place is always a wreck. Ever since I was a little kid, my place has been a wreck. I'm not good at keeping a place clean. Too lazy, and, as indicated before, I rarely have company, so what's the point? Basically the only times I clean are when I'm expecting someone, or when someone comes and helps me. Pathetic but true fact? I've actually thought about posting an ad on CL to have somebody come help me unpack, clean, and organize my apartment. I can't imagine anybody who'd be bored or foolhardy enough to do it, mind you, but the fact is, other people motivate me. Now that I think about it, I basically wrote my dissertation to impress a girl (a girl who doesn't speak to me anymore, ironically. Hell, you know that I have two, and now possibly three girls like that in my life? Girls who decided that having me in their life was explicitly too painful, and specifically asked me to stay away? That's talent, dude. You don't establish a pattern like that without some MAD SKILLZ). Lack of other people = lack of Gatsby getting much done. Hell, I'm amazed that I stay on the exercise and diet bandwagon without people around to stay skinny for (though, in fairness, I'm kinda known as the vegetarian health freak dude at work, so I suppose there would be people around who noticed if I started to gain weight back). Hmmmmmm. Hmm, hmm, hmm. You know what else? I don't have a lot of people in my life who handle it well when I'm upset. I'm a lightning rod for other people's upsettedness-- which is perfectly fine, more than fine. I like being a lightning rod for people's angst. When people are in their worst moments, they ask important questions, and I love tossing around important questions. Why do we do what we do? Why are we who we are? Those are great conversations, if sometimes painful. But when I have something that I'm not handling well, the reactions I get...dude. For example, the girl with whom I am currently in a romantic relationship...she gets all moody and paranoid when I'm in a bad place psychologically. In fairness, she used to be married to a coke addict, and I think she's concerned about ending up in a relationship with someone who's going to need to be emotionally taken care of perpetually...so, when I get into vulnerable headspace, it triggers all sorts of stuff for her, basic doubts about our relationship. She says she'll always be there for me, but if there's one thing I've learned, it's that showing her my angsty side creates lots, lots, lots more problems than it solves. Then there's the person whom I'd consider to be more or less my best friend, at least lately. She just doesn't know how to handle it when I'm in destructive headspace. I realized this one morning lately when I was enraged about an issue that really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, but went to her for some empathy. What I got was a dissection of why, actually, I was unjustifiably upset. (Which, I suppose, may beat the reaction of my girlfriend, who was legitimately pissed that I'd woken her up when I called her...so pissed, even, that I got an angry lecture later that day about how I'd interfered with her needs for self-care. I swear, I'm not making that up.) With both of these people, I've pretty much figured out that to be human, to be vulnerable, with them is apparently not an option...again, it creates more problems than it solves, and hell, I've never been one for catharsis anyway. Um, he says, as he types away furiously. Eh, screw it, most of ya are skimming this anyway. Not that I blame you, or that I don't love you (I mean it...to my knowledge, there are at least four or so of ya who regularly read my posts, and I really do appreciate and value your attention and imput). Eh, what the hell am I doin'? I'm skipping my graduation next week 'cause I don't want to see two specific people. How gradeschool am I? I find myself getting angry when I don't know what to do for people. I'm angry at myself for not figuring it out...I should be able to figure this stuff out. (Comment on this)
Friday, October 24th, 2008
3:04 pm	*sigh* When it rains, it f'n pours. Law of Attraction at work, kids. Blech. By the by, Andrea, if you don't mind me asking, who do you think you'll end up voting for? I'm torn...I really, really don't want Obama to win, but I really, really can't see myself voting for McCain, for a variety of reasons. I would vote for Barr, but I'm in a swing state, and I'm struggling with the prospect of helping Obama win by throwing away my vote on the Libertarian candidate (I'm a registered Libertarian, but I've always voted Republican in presidential elections). I'm leaning toward holding my nose and voting for McCain, but, man, do I not like my options. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, October 16th, 2008
9:44 am	Heading into battle. Let's go. When our time is up When our lives are done Will we say we’ve had our fun? Will we make our mark this time? Will we always say we tried? Standing on the rooftops everybody scream your heart out Standing on the rooftops everybody scream your heart out Standing on the rooftops everybody scream your heart out This is all we’ve got now everybody scream your heart out All the love I've met I’ve had no regrets If it all ends now I'm sad... Will we make our mark this time? Will we always say we tried? Standing on the rooftops everybody scream your heart out Standing on the rooftops everybody scream your heart out Standing on the rooftops everybody scream your heart out This is all we’ve got now everybody scream your heart out Standing on the rooftops, waiting till the bomb drops This is all we got now, scream until your heart stops Never gonna regret, watching every sunset Listen to your heart beat, on another weekend Scream your heart out Scream your heart out Scream your heart out Scream your heart out Standing on the rooftops everybody scream your heart out Standing on the rooftops everybody scream your heart out Standing on the rooftops everybody scream your heart out This is all we’ve got now everybody scream your… -Lost Prophets, "Rooftops" "There are millions of them, we have no powers, and there's a child in there who needs us to save the world. Let's go." -Superman, "Justice League of America" #22 (Comment on this)
Monday, September 29th, 2008
1:18 am	Posting from my nifty, internet-equipped smartphone. sadly, the gravy train ran out vis a vis the wireless access I was flagrantly stealing, probably from the neighbor downstairs who, until recently, found it necessary to blast awful, atonal but heavily rhythmic hip hop until the early morning hours. the music and the wireless access both ceased at about the same time, so I assume it was his tab on which I was surfing for porn. the comcast folks have been duly notified, and have agreed to show up on wednesday to get my internet addiction back up and running again. in the meantime, it will suffice to note that i'm amazed at how quickly I can go from empathic, supportive, and kind, to a real bastard, seemingly within the span of about three minutes or so. it's a curious jekyll and hyde kinda thing that's strongly reminicent of my psychotic, drug addocted father, and a pattern that rather distresses me (precisely because it reminds me of my psychotic addict of a father). I mean, seriously, what the hell's up with that? i'm a mental health professional and a catholic who takes my moral responsibility to nurture and support the people around me seriously. so why is it that, in apparently seamless and arbitrary fashion, I can suddenly flip from modeling tony robbins to modeling, say, michael corleone? frustrating, that, probably as much or more so for the other people in my life as it is for me. a related pattern I find myself running (to cop from nlp terminology) is an internal one- going from a benign emotional state to suddenly feeling victimized, powerless, and feeling a real need to defend myself or hit back. and when I say it feels like a "need" to fight back when I feel i'm being picked on or treated unfairly, I mean it- it feels as if there's an issue of psychological survival at stake. I say this emotional pattern is related to the above, in that when this internal shift from "basically ok" to "wait a minute, i'm gettting shafted here" happens, that's when the behavioral shift from "basically nice guy" to "vindictive, sadistic monster" tends to kick in. whether one causes the other seems to be a chicken-and-egg issue that may not be helpful to delve into here, but the dynamic appears so similar that I can't help but assume they're causally linked. these patterns don't align with who I want to be, who I imagine myself to be, and who i've worked to become over these thirty one years that have comprised the physical component of my journey so far. however, they seem so instinctively ingrained that I can't help but wonder just what it is that my emotions are trying to tell me, here...sticking with nathaniel branden's hypothesis that emotions are, essentially, survival/adaptation signals sent from our reptilian brains, what is the take-home message I need to be paying attention to here? what is my limbic system teying to tell me with these patterns that will help me psychologically adapt and survive? I dunno. all I do know is, i'm tired of feelin' like the bad guy. Current Mood: angry (1 Comment |Comment on this)